By: Darren Bouwmeester, JD, MA (he/him)
Dear Fellow Bisexual:
I’m writing this letter to you on the occasion of Bi+ Health Awareness Month.
This last year was an important one for me, because I went from being a closeted bisexual to being an out bisexual. Woohoo. Not that I’m out to everyone, but coming out is a process and I’m now well along on that process.
The process of coming into your sexuality can be an incredibly lonely journey. The challenges that we bisexuals face are legion. Some people will tell you that we’re just “confused,” while others would tell you that we’re attention seeking or maybe really gay. Then to compound all the biphobia and bi-erasure, we have a medical and mental health system that often seems ill-equipped to meet our needs.
For me, it was easy for me to keep my bisexuality in my head, but this was anything but a safe place. Bi-erasure and biphobia are bad enough when it’s coming from other people, but as a closeted bisexual, being in my head was like hearing the biphobia “greatest hits” on repeat:
- Can you really be bisexual if you’re partnered with a member of the opposite gender?
- You’re not queer enough. You’re a fraud.
- Maybe this is all in your head.
- If you’re monogamous, you can’t really be bisexual.
- Why don’t you come out?
- What will happen if you come out?
- Why aren’t you out to more people?
- You should feel shame.
This is only a partial list, but these were some of my “frequent plays.” Yeah, my inner dialogue was a real pain in the ass.
So, during Bi+ Health Awareness Month, when we hear that b+ individuals have worse health outcomes, it shouldn’t come as a surprise. When one internalizes all of that negativity and shame, it’s hard for one not to take it personally. And so we see that bi+ people are at greater risk of anxiety, depression and suicidality.
For me, my bi+ friend, I have found hope and encouragement and learned to be more kind to myself in three places:
- Therapy: Just being able to have one safe place in the world where you can talk to someone about your feelings is so important, as well as having someone there to “talk you down” if necessary. Granted not every mental health professional is created equal and so for that reason it’s important to find someone who is affirming, someone who makes you feel safe. For more info on Bi+ Health Mental Health services and on finding a provider, go to this resource from the Bi Resource Center
- Podcasts: There are so many excellent bi podcasts out there, people who are talking about what it means to be a bisexual, about the challenges we face and our place in the queer movement. At Two Bi Guys, with Robert Brooks Cohen, I heard countless stories from bisexual men in particular. I realized my situation wasn’t really all that unique and that my experience was valid. At Give it to Me Bi, with Chad Barnier and Steve Spencer, they tackled bisexual myths and talked about living out one’s truth. At Bisexual Killjoy, Bailey Merlin and Jace Rios Rivera blew my mind talking about heady topics like signalling, intersectionality and bi activism and making them accessible. Hearing these uniquely bi+ voices, as well as others too many to list, opened my eyes and contextualized my experience and helped me find answers to the disconsolate voices in my head.
- Bisexual Community: As much as talking to a therapist and hearing bi+ voices through podcasts was helpful for me, I cannot over-emphasize how important it was for me to find a safe space where I could talk to other bisexual men and women. Through the Bi Resource Center, I participated in both Zoom and in person groups with other bisexuals. Sometimes, we made small talk and discussed the best places to check out live music in Boston, but other times we talked about our struggles, our challenges and victories. I found people in these spaces to be incredibly affirming and encouraging. These people knew what I was going through, as a bisexual struggling to come out to his family, because they had been through the same things. When someone was struggling, invariably other members of the group would speak out in empathy and with kindness. Being in these kinds of spaces helped me realize that I was in the company of friends, and as much as I might try to gaslight myself, or minimize my own experience, in this space I discovered that I was queer enough. When I eventually did come out, I shared what happened with these new friends, and this made my breakthrough all the more sweet.
On the occasion of Bi+ Health Awareness Month, my message for you is that while being bisexual and alone is hard, you can find hope and comfort through seeking mental health services, through hearing bi+ voices and through bi+ community. Prioritize your health and wellness. You are not alone.